A SOB Story with a new and improved couplet
A SOB Story with new coupletThat surly attitude and stubborn streakbelie the little boy he keeps inside.A stern and stiff demeanor serves to hidedried remnants of a spirit he thought weak.Hes often...
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I like this very much for the way it shows hatred and the resulting sadness moving through generations. It might benfit from more directness. Also, it relies on generalities from L1: "The rules are...
View ArticleRe: A SOB Story with a new and improved couplet
I think this sonnet is excellent. The title is clever, and the poem reflects how ingrained "tapes" replay when innocence is lost, feelings repressed, unable to surface - the cycle continues. Very...
View ArticleRe: A SOB Story with a new and improved couplet
Stephen,It's good to know the premise is on target.I appreciate your well thought-out critique and will keep your suggestions in mind when I revise.The first stanza is meant to be a general...
View ArticleRe: A SOB Story with a new and improved couplet
kaki--sorry to say, but I don't like this much. Personal opinion, yes, but with reasons. First & foremost, I feel that this whole judgment on the character of the father is too sweeping, too...
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"My apologies for being so negative"No need for apologies...I posted for honest crit and that's what you gave. I appreciate that very much and will keep your concerns in mind for future attempts.Thing...
View ArticleRe: A SOB Story with a new and improved couplet
Mike and allI'm posting a revision that I hope will convey the sympathy intended for this character. I would very much appreciate your thoughts on this.KP
View ArticleRe: A SOB Story with a new and improved couplet
i'm sorry Sonnetina, somehow I missed your helpful comments on this one. You are right on the mark as to my intent. That's encouraging.I've used your suggestion to smooth the meter:"Just suck it...
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Pardon this fly-by crit; I'm just going to nit at a couple of things."a stiff and stern demeanor serve": demeanor, a singular noun, is the subject, and it needs a singular verb,serves."dubbed some...
View ArticleRe: A SOB Story with a new and improved couplet
Pretty good for a fly-by.Thank you, Maryann.You have offered some valuable feedback. I'll fix the easy parts now and work on that ending after this stews a bit.KP
View ArticleRe: A SOB Story with a new and improved couplet
Nice job on the revision. Don't know if both of dad's quotes starting with "Just" is a problem, and thought a comma after heal in the last line, might be effective.I find no hateful or accusatory...
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How dy KPI think you've nearly got it.Maryann's final thought:Quote:I'm wishing you patience.is excellent.I wish I had more when it comes to revising. It helps to let it stew....but I'll be looking...
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Hello dear Kakipants,I love the revision of this poem. Its ideas are expressed more fluently than the original, and have a greater impact. I love Line 9. The impression of the hammer gives an accurate...
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I find this discussion most illuminating. It points out the true value of critique.I think your revision is far and away superior to your original...Joelsz
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I like the alliteration in lines 1-3, 6 and 8.Would you have a comma after "heal" (line 14)?It's not too badly put together, as a poem. I personally don't get "into" it much - it's just not my cup of...
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I'm sorry to be so long in responding to the many thoughtful replies.I want you to know I appreciate each one and hope to read and post here again.KP
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Hello KPThere is a definite demarcation between recounting events with generalities and making the judgement call yourself and allowing your reader to draw his or her own conclusion. I am absolutely...
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Paddy R,I assure you I will consider your very instructive critique when (or if) I'm moved to further revision. I'm fairly satisfied (except for that last line) with it as it reads now, but that may...
View ArticleRe: A SOB Story with a new and improved couplet
Kak,Yes, the couplet is much improved. Nice job. This is not an easy subject, and you've managed to tackle it without getting buried in sentiment or judgment. But I wonder if "little boy inside"...
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